Growing up, I was never that girl with a passion to have kids. I knew I wanted a family, but I just figured it would happen someday and I was satisfied with that. A year or so after Dylan and I were married, we decided we wanted to start trying to have a family, not realizing the journey God had in store for us.
After several months of trying and nothing happening, I decided to talk to my doctor just see if this was normal. At the time my relationship with God was not in a very secure place. Yah, I believed in Him, but I didn’t really know Him. My doctor told me it takes a lot of couples at least a year to get pregnant, so not to worry. A few years later I did become pregnant! I was overwhelmed with happiness. I know everyone says wait the 3 months to tell others, but I couldn’t! I was picking out everything baby and telling everyone I knew.
A few weeks went by and I started to spot. My heart sank and fear overcame me. I went to my doctor and after doing blood tests, he said my HCG levels weren’t increasing as they should. He told me I was most likely going to miscarry but that he would send me for an ultrasound in the next few days. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. This couldn’t be happening after all this waiting. I left and that night Dylan and I just held each other. To my surprise, my spotting stopped over the next few days. At my ultrasound I saw my baby for the very first time. The feeling of seeing my baby was one of the most special moments in my life. The doctor assured me that everything was good and that I was 7 weeks pregnant. My husband, parents and I took each others hands and prayed, thanking God for this wonderful miracle.
Over the next few weeks I had more blood tests checking on my levels. One day while I was at work I got a call from my doctor asking me if I was bleeding. “No,” I said and once again I felt fear in the pit in my stomach. The doctor doesn’t call just asking that for no reason. He informed me that my levels weren’t increasing, and I would miscarry. Frantically I called Dylan and we went to the hospital where a good family friend worked as an ultrasound technician. She got me in right away, and there on the screen was my baby and a perfect little heart beat. I left feeling content knowing the miracle I just saw, praying and thanking God.
That night, I began to bleed heavily. I knew something wasn’t right but tried to hold onto the hope of seeing my baby earlier that day. I went to the hospital the next day and had an ultrasound. I waited in a hospital room but the doctor came in and told me they couldn’t find a heartbeat. This couldn’t be true! I just saw my baby and the heartbeat. I became hysterical. Over the next few days, I experienced one of the most painful experiences of my life. Not only was I dealing with the physicial pain of a miscarriage, but the emotional pain as well. How could God be so cruel? How could He play with my emotions for weeks with so many ups the downs? Why show me my baby just to take it away from me?
The next several months were the darkest months of my life. I completely disconnected from Dylan and everyone in my life. I couldn’t look at babies without feeling jealous and angry at the parents that seemed to have ‘everything’. Shortly after this, Dylan discovered Southland Church and wanted to take in a service. My first time entering the church all I saw were babies and kids. Really, I thought, “Why God are you doing this to me?” After a few services I found myself hardly getting through praise and worship without breaking into tears. The Holy Spirit was working on my heart. God had me exactly where He wanted to me to be and I didn’t even know it.
Throughout the next several months I started to really discover who God was, actual starting to have a real relationship with Him, something I never experienced before. I was referred to a fertility specialist and went through a series of tests over the next few months. Some of them were very painful and I remember just crying and praying to God. This time I knew what a loving God He was and felt His presence. Over the course of that year, we had our family and friends praying for us faithfully. One day in Dylan’s devotions, God showed him that we were going to have a baby. This was also confirmed by a very special couple who we had shared our struggles with. I was experiencing first hand God’s promises for me and knew it in my heart to be true. I continued to stand firm.
We all hear of how everything happens in God’s timing. I experienced this as the day I found out I was pregnant again was Oct 19th, the exact same day 1 year ago that we lost our baby. God turned a day of mourning into a day of overwhelming joy! My son Jaxson was born, and he is my miracle. We had him dedicated to the Lord at Southland on the same day, Oct 19th 1 year later, by no plans of our own, again God’s timing. Isn’t it miraculous?!
When we decided to try for another baby, I knew the road wouldn’t be easy. However, I also knew who God was and that gave me hope and faith. During this time, Dylan and I attended the Hearing God Seminar. As I went through the course I learned how to hear from God and that He wants to talk with me, but I need to talk to Him. My confidence grew. In my devotions God spoke directly to my prayer about getting pregnant. However, He didn’t answer it with the exact response I was looking for. This time I chose to have faith and I clung to the truth that God answers prayer. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant with my second son. I was shocked. God does answer prayer, in His way and not always ours. My second miracle was born, my son Caleb.
Starting at Southland and being a part of Selah has stretched me more then I thought would be possible. For the first time in my life I have an actual relationship with Jesus and my understanding of Him is greater then ever before. No, not perfect but I’m continuing to grow, and learn.
“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him”.
By Bree Morrow
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