A Motherhood Story Of Learning To Trust

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by Terra-Lee Wilson

 

Growing​ ​up​ ​I​ ​had​ ​many​ ​different​ ​ideas​ ​of​ ​what​ ​I​ ​wanted​ ​to​ ​do​ ​with​ ​my​ ​life,​ ​but​ ​one​ ​thing​ ​that​ ​stayed​ ​the same​ ​was​ ​my​ ​desire​ ​to​ ​be​ ​a​ ​mom.​ ​My​ ​journey​ ​into​ ​motherhood​ ​was​ ​my​ ​dream​ ​come​ ​true……..and​ ​my revelation​ ​about​ ​how​ ​desperately​ ​I​ ​need​ ​God.​ ​When​ ​I​ ​look​ ​back,​ ​I​ ​see​ ​how​ ​God​ ​used​ ​everything​ ​to​ ​point​ ​me​ ​to Himself.

In​ ​the​ ​beginning​ ​of​ ​motherhood​ ​as​ ​a​ ​brand​ ​new​ ​mom​,​ ​I​ ​experienced​ ​so​ ​much​ ​joy​ ​and​ ​awe​ ​in​ ​watching this​ ​tiny​ ​human​ ​I​ ​had​ ​carried​ ​now​ ​grow​ ​and​ ​develop.​ ​At​ ​the​ ​same​ ​time​,​ ​I​ ​also​ ​entered​ ​a​ ​seemingly​ ​endless​ ​state of​ ​overwhelm​ ​and​ ​exhaustion​ ​with​ ​weird​ ​emotional​ ​tidal​ ​waves​ ​that​ ​would​ ​hit​ ​unexpectedly​ ​sending​ ​me​ ​into crying​ ​episodes​ ​or​ ​unexplainable​ ​angry​ ​outbursts.​ ​In​ ​those​ ​first​ ​few​ ​years,​ ​while​ ​I​ ​knew​ ​personal​ ​devotions​ ​with God​ ​were​ ​a​ ​really​ ​good​ ​thing,​ ​I​ ​regularly​ ​put​ ​God​ ​near​ ​the​ ​bottom​ ​of​ ​my​ ​to​ ​do​ ​list​ ​and​ ​would​ ​spend​ ​time​ ​with Him​ ​in​ ​the​ ​Word​ ​if​ ​I​ ​was​ ​in​ ​a​ ​low​ ​or​ ​needed​ ​something​ ​from​ ​Him.​ ​Granted,​ ​that​ ​did​ ​happen​ ​fairly​ ​often,​ ​but​ ​I wasn’t​ ​intentionally​ ​building​ ​my​ ​relationship​ ​with​ ​Him​ ​on​ ​a​ ​daily​ ​basis,​ ​which​ ​showed​ ​in​ ​my​ ​inability​ ​to​ ​handle my​ ​kids​ ​shenanigans​ ​and​ ​life​ ​in​ ​general.​ ​I​ ​would​ ​hit​ ​overwhelm​ ​very​ ​quickly,​ ​and​ ​my​ ​kids​ ​learned​ ​very​ ​early​ ​on to​ ​avoid​ ​me​ ​if​ ​they​ ​saw​ ​me​ ​in​ ​overwhelm,​ ​and​ ​that​ ​broke​ ​my​ ​heart​ ​to​ ​see​ ​fear,​ ​hurt,​ ​and​ ​rejection​ ​on​ ​their​ ​faces.

I​ ​became​ ​much​ ​more​ ​aware​ ​of​ ​my​ ​need​ ​for​ ​God​ ​when​ ​our​ ​second​ ​child​ ​was​ ​2​ ​years​ ​old​ ​and​ ​I​ ​entered​ ​a deep​ ​depression​ ​that​ ​had​ ​me​ ​having​ ​terrible​ ​thoughts​ ​of​ ​harm​ ​towards​ ​myself​ ​and​ ​my​ ​beautiful​ ​girls.​ ​I​ ​was scared​ ​to​ ​be​ ​alone​ ​with​ ​them​ ​because​ ​of​ ​that.​ ​It​ ​was​ ​then​ ​that​ ​I​ ​realized​ ​that​ ​I​ ​couldn’t​ ​do​ ​it​ ​on​ ​my​ ​own.​ ​The negative​ ​thoughts​ ​and​ ​feelings​ ​of​ ​hopelessness​ ​and​ ​despair​ ​weren’t​ ​going​ ​away.​ ​It​ ​was​ ​not​ ​something​ ​I​ ​could ‘fix’​ ​by​ ​myself.​ ​I​ ​needed​ ​help.​ ​My​ ​doctor​ ​put​ ​me​ ​on​ ​antidepressants,​ ​which​ ​helped,​ ​but​ ​only​ ​a​ ​limited​ ​amount. Shortly​ ​after​ ​starting​ ​meds,​ ​my​ ​husband​ ​Trevor​ ​and​ ​I​ ​began​ ​meeting​ ​with​ ​an​ ​incredible​ ​Christian​ ​marriage counselor​ ​and​ ​his​ ​wife.​ ​(My​ ​relationship​ ​with​ ​Trev​ ​also​ ​had​ ​been​ ​suffering,​ ​due​ ​to​ ​me​ ​pouring​ ​my​ ​whole​ ​self​ ​into parenting,​ ​and​ ​then​ ​also​ ​struggling​ ​with​ ​depression.​ ​He​ ​and​ ​God​ ​sat​ ​on​ ​the​ ​back​ ​burner)​ ​In​ ​our​ ​counseling​ ​I experienced​ ​listening​ ​prayer​ ​for​ ​the​ ​first​ ​time,​ ​and​ ​was​ ​blown​ ​away​ ​by​ ​the​ ​things​ ​God​ ​led​ ​me,​ ​and​ ​us,​ ​to​ ​and through.​ ​Not​ ​to​ ​mention​ ​God​ ​revealing​ ​the​ ​bondages​ ​and​ ​lies​ ​that​ ​had​ ​a​ ​grip​ ​on​ ​me,​ ​and​ ​were​ ​broken​ ​during our​ ​sessions.​ ​We​ ​spent​ ​many​ ​hours​ ​in​ ​prayer​ ​at​ ​our​ ​sessions​ ​and​ ​I​ ​began​ ​more​ ​intentionally​ ​pursuing​ ​God​ ​in my​ ​devotions.​ ​After​ ​many​ ​months​ ​of​ ​intensive​ ​work​ ​in​ ​my​ ​heart​ ​and​ ​mind,​ ​I​ ​came​ ​to​ ​a​ ​place​ ​where​ ​I​ ​no​ ​longer needed​ ​to​ ​be​ ​on​ ​medication,​ ​and​ ​we​ ​talked​ ​about​ ​adding​ ​to​ ​our​ ​family​ ​again.​ ​Almost​ ​immediately​ ​our​ ​third​ ​was on​ ​her​ ​way,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​experienced​ ​prenatal​ ​depression​ ​for​ ​the​ ​first​ ​trimester​ ​and​ ​a​ ​bit,​ ​which​ ​was​ ​something​ ​I​ ​had never​ ​heard​ ​about​ ​before,​ ​but​ ​has​ ​since​ ​become​ ​more​ ​commonly​ ​known​ ​about.​ ​This​ ​time​ ​around,​ ​I​ ​was​ ​better able​ ​to​ ​walk​ ​through​ ​it​ ​because​ ​of​ ​tools​ ​which​ ​our​ ​counselors​ ​had​ ​taught​ ​us​ ​about,​ ​as​ ​well​ ​as​ ​spending​ ​more intentional​ ​time​ ​in​ ​the​ ​Word.

Another​ ​major​ ​turning​ ​point​ ​in​ ​my​ ​relationship​ ​and​ ​dependency​ ​on​ ​God​ ​happened​ ​after​ ​our​ ​fourth​ ​child was​ ​born.​ ​Almost​ ​immediately​ ​I​ ​noticed​ ​his​ ​development​ ​was​ ​behind,​ ​which​ ​I​ ​found​ ​very​ ​overwhelming​ ​and uncertain.​ ​Our​ ​lives​ ​became​ ​full​ ​of​ ​therapists,​ ​specialists,​ ​and​ ​tests,​ ​and​ ​we​ ​had​ ​just​ ​moved​ ​to​ ​town​ ​and​ ​were still​ ​adjusting​ ​to​ ​Trevor​ ​working​ ​long​ ​hours​ ​at​ ​his​ ​new​ ​job.​ ​During​ ​this​ ​crazy​ ​and​ ​uncertain​ ​time,​ ​I​ ​had​ ​less overwhelm​ ​and​ ​panic​ ​because​ ​I​ ​was​ ​leaning​ ​on​ ​and​ ​trusting​ ​Him.​ ​One​ ​of​ ​my​ ​highlights​ ​was​ ​attending​ ​church regularly,​ ​which​ ​we​ ​hadn’t​ ​been​ ​able​ ​to​ ​do​ ​before​ ​due​ ​to​ ​living​ ​at​ ​Red​ ​Rock​ ​Bible​ ​Camp;​ ​far​ ​from​ ​any​ ​church. Also,​ ​in​ ​joining​ ​a​ ​cell,​ ​I​ ​found​ ​strength​ ​and​ ​hope​ ​because​ ​of​ ​the​ ​support​ ​and​ ​encouragement​ ​of​ ​the​ ​women​ ​I connected​ ​with​ ​there.​ ​God​ ​spoke​ ​to​ ​me​ ​through​ ​these​ ​women,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​was​ ​beginning​ ​to​ ​become​ ​more​ ​familiar with​ ​listening​ ​to​ ​God​ ​on​ ​my​ ​own.​ ​Into​ ​me​ ​He​ ​poured​ ​hope​ ​and​ ​peace​ ​about​ ​our​ ​son’s​ ​development,​ ​and​ ​while we​ ​still​ ​don’t​ ​have​ ​medical​ ​answers​ ​for​ ​his​ ​delays,​ ​I​ ​see​ ​how​ ​God​ ​has​ ​used​ ​all​ ​of​ ​these​ ​challenges​ ​to​ ​grow​ ​my faith​ ​and​ ​character;​ ​God​ ​uses​ ​everything​ ​for​ ​His​ ​purpose​ ​and​ ​our​ ​good.​ ​I​ ​remember​ ​a​ ​time​ ​in​ ​particular​ ​when​ ​I was​ ​angry​ ​with​ ​God​ ​for​ ​how​ ​Troy​ ​was,​ ​and​ ​asking​ ​Him​ ​to​ ​fix​ ​him.​ ​At​ ​that​ ​moment,​ ​God​ ​powerfully​ ​met​ ​me​ ​and clearly​ ​told​ ​me​ ​that​ ​“I​ ​made​ ​him​ ​exactly​ ​how​ ​I​ ​want​ ​him​ ​to​ ​be”.​ ​I​ ​felt​ ​so​ ​loved,​ ​free​ ​of​ ​guilt​ ​that​ ​my​ ​body​ ​had done​ ​something​ ​to​ ​cause​ ​this,​ ​and​ ​such​ ​relief​ ​that​ ​God​ ​knows​ ​and​ ​is​ ​in​ ​complete​ ​control.

When​ ​I​ ​look​ ​back​ ​at​ ​my​ ​relationship​ ​with​ ​God,​ ​I​ ​see​ ​a​ ​cycle​ ​of​ ​spending​ ​time​ ​with​ ​God​ ​when​ ​things were​ ​tough,​ ​then​ ​doing​ ​it​ ​on​ ​my​ ​own​ ​when​ ​things​ ​were​ ​going​ ​well,​ ​which​ ​brought​ ​me​ ​back​ ​to​ ​needing​ ​Him again.​ ​I​ ​am​ ​keenly​ ​aware​ ​of​ ​my​ ​need​ ​for​ ​Him​ ​daily.​ ​He​ ​has​ ​proven​ ​Himself​ ​to​ ​be​ ​good​ ​and​ ​trustworthy.

Currently,​ ​my​ ​growth​ ​with​ ​God​ ​is​ ​coming​ ​from​ ​reading​ ​through​ ​the​ ​Bible​ ​in​ ​a​ ​year,​ ​which​ ​I​ ​have​ ​done​ ​for​ ​several years.​ ​Every​ ​year​ ​my​ ​understanding​ ​grows,​ ​and​ ​new​ ​things​ ​are​ ​revealed.​ ​As​ ​well,​ ​at​ ​the​ ​beginning​ ​of​ ​each​ ​year I​ ​pray​ ​and​ ​ask​ ​God​ ​for​ ​a​ ​word​ ​regarding​ ​something​ ​He​ ​wants​ ​to​ ​change​ ​in​ ​me,​ ​and​ ​then​ ​I​ ​read​ ​Bible​ ​verses​ ​and other​ ​books​ ​about​ ​it.​ ​When​ ​I​ ​have​ ​not​ ​spent​ ​time​ ​in​ ​the​ ​Word​ ​and​ ​prayer​ ​with​ ​Him,​ ​life​ ​quickly​ ​becomes​ ​difficult.

God​ ​is​ ​my​ ​strength,​ ​wisdom,​ ​and​ ​hope.​ ​Without​ ​Him​, ​I​ ​can​ ​do​ ​nothing.

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