Hi, I am Rebeca, born and raised in Brazil, married to Marcos, mother of Bernardo and Anabella.
I come from a very not so perfect family with lots of siblings and two busy parents. From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of how when I grew up I was going to have a perfect family of my own. The perfect husband, two perfect kids and above all I was sure that I was going to be the perfect wife and mom.
Marcos and I dated for 5 months, got married and moved to Canada. After 5 perfect years of marriage, we had our Bernardo and he was the perfect little baby. He was so great in fact that I remember thinking “oh motherhood is so amazing that I can have ten kids.”
So we decided to have our second and that is when life did not look so perfect anymore.
Anabella Faith. She challenged me from day one; hard pregnancy, hard labour and for the first eight months she would not stop crying. Unable to control things, I became angry all the time. I was tired, feeling guilty and believing I was a total failure.
During this time, Jesus picked me up a few times and I would be encouraged. But soon afterwards, I would go back my old ways of trying (unsuccessfully) to be “perfect” on my own. I insisted that I needed to hold things together, be the pillar for my family. With so much guilt and shame, I became sad and demotivated in my journey as a mom and wife. I started seeing my children as a proof of my incapability, so I started just passing the days looking forward for it to be over and sad that it would start again the next day.
One day during a Selah appreciation exercise, we were to ask Jesus to remind us of someone that inspires us as moms/women. I cringed as I thought “I have no one that inspires me,” but decided to pray and ask Jesus anyways.
As I started praying, the Lord reminded me of my own mom, (not the “perfect mom” picture I had in my mind) and as I disagreed with Him, He started showing me all the great things about her. Things that I was unable to see because of my hardened heart towards her. In that moment, Jesus healed my heart and showed me that He did not care if I was perfect or not, He loved me just as I am.
I was able to forgive myself and understand that The Lord’s love for me did not depend on how many things I get right and that He wants to help me along the way.
I would love to say that everything is great now but the truth is I am still working on things that I want to get better at as a mom. But I have learned to lean on and trust in Jesus for big troubles and small ones too! The Lord promises us in Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” And I have been doing just that, accepting His forgiveness and trusting that He is the pillar that holds my family together and that I don’t need to do it alone.